Case Series: Tekong Syndrome

Tekong Syndrome (TS) is a highly prevalent condition amongst Singaporean men aged between 16-24 (i.e. National Servicemen) and is an important cause of lost man hours spent pursuing people better left unpursued.

While named after a tiny island used for military training (i.e. Pulau Tekong), this is not limited to military trainees. Put simply, TS is a visual loss and/or psychosis phenomenon secondary to a deprivation.

In fact, studies of soap-dropping in detention facilities worldwide have led us to the conclusion that TS has a strong association with temporary/permanent Jeorius Association (JA). Whether TS causes Jeorius Association or if it merely brings forth a genetic predisposition to JA warrants further story.

It would be easier to understand TS if parts of The Ladder Theory are understood. In this, it states that heterosexual men rate all women on a ladder leading up from the Abyss.

Here’s a visual representation from the Ladder Theory website of a man’s ladder:

We quote:

Clinging to the bottom are the girls that are wolf ugly. These are women so ugly you would chew your own arm off to get away rather than fuck them. Usually fake teeth, or the loss of several hundred pounds can move a woman up from wolf ugly.

Yes, but where does Tekong Syndrome come in, you might ask. Tekong Syndrome can be sufficient to raise a woman, who would otherwise be “wolf ugly”, to the upper rungs of a man’s ladder. This is usually manifested by the subjects calling some woman “incredibly hot” with his sane buddies crying out, “WTF man, you’re blind! She makes Andre the Giant look sexy by comparison.”

Doubting Thomases will dismiss our latest breakthrough in raising Little Red Dot country’s birth rates as a simple manifestation of “desperation”, but do not be fooled by these enemies of scientific research.

Current debate rages on whether a man with Tekong Syndrome can be considered sane enough for Ladder Theory to hold true. As of the moment, TS is not recognised under the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV Text Revision (DSM-IV-TR) so it should not be considered a mental illness. Indeed, sufferers of TS, instead of just becoming social pariahs for their poor vision, may actually promote societal well-being by procreation with people who would otherwise never be able to get close to an opportunity to pass on their genes.

Where this enablement is selective, and whether the passing on of these genes is better than letting them die off, is another matter altogether.

References:
1. The Ladder Theory. Jared Whitson. http://www.laddertheory.com/

Case Series: Jeorius Association

On careful observation of the general population, one comes to notice a subtle constellation of signs commonly associated together in a particular group of patients. Bucking the medical trend of eponymous names like Trendelenberg or Charcot, we’ve decided to give this group of signs a completely irrelevant name of which any resemblance to part or mixtures of the names of anyone, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

We bring to you… the Jeorius Association.

This is characterised by the following signs, many of which are supratentorial (as opposd to neurological) in origin:

1. Wrist drop
2. Reverse wrist drop – frequently accomplanied by a “bubbye!”
3. Hyperlordotic stance
4. Trendelenberg gait

The signs above are common to both speculated subtypes of Jeorius Association, which are distinguished by the following findings (none of which were actually observed, but were contributed to this article by Bible-toting, pitchfork-wielding fanatics crying “Stone the deviants!”):

Jeorius I

• Recurrent urinary tract infection
• Prostatitis

Jeorius II

• Anal warts
• Winking anus sign
• Proctitis
• Increased risk of anal cancer

Mixed

• All of the above

Some of the subjects studied also showed a tendency towards emotional lability, possibly secondary to the psychological effect of many years of hiding in wardrobes.

Jeorius Association is an world-changing breakthrough because although those darn liberals who will bring about anarchy and armageddon say that it’s a “choice” and that “it doesn’t harm anyone”, we can use these observations to identify individuals who should undergo behavioural change therapy administered with the aid of unsedated shock therapy, frequent beatings accompanied by sleep deprivation. This will prevent individuals with Jeorius Association, by their very existence and their “claiming their rights to choosing their lives without harming others”, from causing societal downfall by a multitude of factors for which there is very strong evidence that we will not list not because they don’t actually exist or because all readers won’t bother checking.

Breakthrough: New Energy Healing

The human body is an amazing vehicle, with great potential for healing especially if coaxed out in the proper method. While other methods include Reiki energy healing or the laying on off hands, today we focus on a new, proven treatment.

Dr Ducksound is the world’s premiere proponent of an amazing therapy: Eye Power, which is being rejected by mainstream medical personnel because Eye Power’s sheer amazing-ness would cure all ills and put the drug Dr Evil drug companies and their mindless, evil drones (a.k.a. doctors) out of work.

Here’s how it works: Dr Ducksound looks at patients and channels his mind’s power in the same way Matilda in the storybook Matilda by Roald Dahl moves things with the power of her mind. This stimulates the electrical energy in the cells of the body which, via quantum physics, create an impressive healing energy field, curing everything from pubic lice to glioblastoma multiforme.

Eye Power is not actaully a new form of therapy. People have practised Eye Power for thousands of year, and it has always been shown to be effective, even though the people at the time were not well versed in channeling their energy the way Dr Ducksound teaches it. For instance, people watched as the Black Death swept across Europe and the dead lying in the street were carted… and today, bubonic/pneumonic plague is almost unheard of.

100% (7 out of 7) of the people (colleagues of Dr Ducksound) polled supported Eye Power in a questionnaire consisting of one question:

Would you rather shovel faeces into a wooden cart with nothing but your mouth (I am against Eye Power), or watch two incredibly hot, scantily clad women mud-wrestle (I support Eye Power)?

Not everyone can practise Eye Power, though. The holistic approach taken at Eye Power Clinic (opened by Dr Ducksound) individualises patient’s treatment, so not all patients will respond in the same manner… but Dr Ducksound is able to control his channeled energy to target the patient’s illnesses… be it a “weakness of the spleen” or “lack of energy in the lungs”.

Don’t forget, unlike Western medicine’s “cut-burn-poison” approach, Eye Power has absolutely no side effects.

Please help support Eye Power by sending your credit card numbers + expiry dates to wearenotquackshonest@gmail.com or coming to our clinic at 99 Fon Lane… our trial package of 5 Eye Power 5-min sessions starts at only US$995.

Breakthrough: Brain Blood Supply Revealed!

Our source came across this truth when he overheard a pair of medical students queueing up at the noodle stall. A breakthrough of the highest magnitude! The complexities of the blood supply to the brain are now revealed with the clarity of purest spring water.

However, our source did mention that once the M2 student Darina started speaking, he could hardly see anything for the sheer quantity of airbourne particulate matter wafting from Darina’s direction. Breathing was difficult, and he had to fight the urge to perform a flanking attacking manoevre with a rifle while colleagues provided fire cover.

Are you ready for the truth? Can you handle the truth?! Prepare yourselves…

Blood passes from the heart, eventually via the internal carotids and vertebral arteries directly into the third ventricles. From there, the blood flows throughout the ventricular system and subarachnoid space, bathing the brain in a nutritional fluid that allows adequate gas, electrolyte, nutrients and waste exchange.

(Our nutritional product – BrainNutriPlus is retailing for only $888 per 150ml packet and promises to optimise said exchange in the brain, allowing for an increase of 25 IQ points or less and possible decreased risk of degenerative brain diseases)

Thereafter, the blood drains from the bottom of the spinal cord into the lower vertebral arteries before eventually returning to the venous system around the level of the conus medullaris. This natural passage of blood from the subarachnoid space to the blood vessels in the lower spine is the reason for the pervalence and prevalence of lower back in humans.

Do not be fooled by the general consensus in the scientific community that the blood supply of the brain arises from the internal carotid arteries and the basilar artery (which arises from the two vertebral arteries), and the three main branches (anterior cerebral artery, middle cerebral artery and posterior cerebral artery) explaining stroke syndromes is manifestly false, and obviously the work of a conspiracy involving the highest echelons of the “scientific world” suppressing honest scientists like ourselves.

Many scientific and medical advances will be made following our groundbreaking discovery, all praise to our great Leader.

Case Study: Psychiatric illness

Ms Tan, a 25-year-old Chinese lady with a supposed past history of acute intermittent porphyria, depression and schizophrenia presented on 32-10-2006 with severe acute generalised pain. History and physical examination, unnecessary as they are, demonstrated that the patient was female and not comfortable at rest.

The diagnosis, of which there are no differentials, is clearly “Demonic Possession“.

Though proponents of Western medicine suggest that it might be a “flare of AIP”, our research strongly suggests that these “physicians” are poopy-heads and should be ignored. Despite the lack of projectile vomiting and twisting of the head 180 degrees, we were 99.9999% sure of our diagnosis.

Now, following the diagnosis of demonic possession, we thought about performing a series of examinations and investigations to confirm the diagnosis. However, as of the moment, there are no tests with sufficient sensitivity and specificity to rule in or rule out demonic possession.

There are multiple subtypes of demonic possession:
1. Christian form of demon
2. Taoist demonic spirit
3. Indian animal spirit
4. Mischievious Buddhist imp
so on and so forth.

Due to the inability to differentiate between the above in a patient with DP, we decided to implement treatment in a stepwise fashion.

Firstly, a certified pastor performed treatments such as, “praying”, “sprinkling of holy water” and “casting out in the name of the Lord.” When the patient failed to respond, we moved on to a Taoist priest to ring a bell and wave a wooden sword around, following by the burning of Chinese calligraphy talismans, the ash of which is forcefed to the patient in a glass of water.

The demon within was strong and resisted the above methods of exorcism, further disturbing the patient by causing her to choke violently and cough out ash… further confirming our initial diagnosis of DP (Demonic Possession).

We then planned to tie up dreamcatchers at the foot of the bed, after much research with Amerindians in special conferences commonly called “passing the bong”. While we were referring the case to our Amerindian shaman friends, the unmonitored patient managed to climb out of her unsecured bed, open the unlocked window on the 25th floor and plunge to her death on the concrete below.

We are pleased to announce that she exhibited no further signs and symptoms of DP and our treatment was completely successful.